A World Away From Where It All Began

Personal.


In the end…

I’m left with all these Feelings…







In the end…

I think it would be best to give this a proper burial…

Its time to move on with the shadows of life…

Dark and Light times are welcoming left and right…

Thus allowing me to sense a sentiment.

I know most people don’t understand what I feel.

This has been a temporary Depression indeed…

I’ll let myself wonder in awe…

My short time spent here (Where I use to live…)

I laugh because this is my hometown, but not where I was born.

I laugh and wander…

I think I should stop watching Natsume Yuujinchou Shi.

Too much feelings…

10:58 pm, by xiand3
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tagged: Personal., Thoughts.,






Standpoint/Stand-still

I’m at that point in life where I’m at a bridge that divides with no straight path…

I wonder trying to sum things up will add to anything?

I have few words now I share to others.

I don’t have time to get healing nowadays.

Almost everyone that knows me thinks/can prove to me, I’m wasting my life just because I’m not producing any results like they can/do.

Its tiring.

I’ve been burnt out of energy, visions, dreams for several years now…

The problem back then I only thought about myself.

Which created alot of conflict and consequences to family, friends, future friends, enemies(if I have any) and God.

Its apparent now, I have thought about it though.

This isn’t just my life now.

There are others involved.

The thought now is, how to actually make it through (Life/Whatever this is) without losing myself?







Why I believed I was awesome as a kid.

…because I never lost.

I never experienced Defeat, the very way how it feels now like one just gotten into a break-up, someone who dropped their food or drink while being surrounded in a crowd, getting into a car accident, losing the person you really liked to someone else, getting denied from the person you like, losing friends, having someone close to you die/(a family or friend passes away without knowing how much you loved them because you were too shy to express emotions), etc… This list can go on to eternity.

I do in fact admit, I’ve been humiliated, embarrassed to the point of wanting to die, and careless actions that leads to disappointment.

I was always carried by others which was remarkable and saddening at the same time.

I felt loved and blessed for those who were with me back then/whoever is left around now.

"I wonder if it was my chubby cheeks and round head that made people think I needed a guide?"

… Anyways…

Because its hard, being that someone to look after others without taking yourself into consideration.

I’ve done this since the first day of middle school. Others success over mine.

Its heart-breaking and honestly, I do feel like I lose hours,days or even years in my life whenever I’m focused on everything and anything except my own progression or whatever you can call it in terms of living.

I’ve dealt my fair share of seeing and being there for people who wanted to end their lives. Makes me smile to see those peoples’ lives are good now or even better than mine.

I guess this solitude has taken its toll on me.







Too much to tell not enough to show.

Very explanatory by itself…







I used to write…

To just LIVE.

Years passed and apparently my friends have been divided saying I’m a good writer and I should write a book, and the other half say I suck at writing my grammar is bad I should just give up.

Now… I realize I don’t know why I have been writing or why I still write…

I guess I want to be noticed.

Also, for Validation and affirmation.

3:34 pm, by xiand3
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tagged: personal.,






I love…

Remembering the most Love filled memories…

Too many to say.

I don’t think I can even pick a number one.

Too much feels at the moment of remembering the feels from back then.

Epic times indeed.

12:56 am, by xiand3
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tagged: Personal.,






Even at the end of it all…

These words is all I have (words that are born from a very emotional heart)…

A blessing I’ve received even before I believed in God as a Heavenly Father, only as a magic genie years ago.

Conversing with people on a heart to heart level is such a exquisite feeling.

Even though there is no planned direction for the conversation to work out.

Indeed, I miss those days having lots of mentors, telling them my problems and getting assured on what to look for and depending on the care level from the mentor the more detailed thorough ideas to be comforted by.

All those conversations take up a lot of energy, most of the time I won’t initiate unless I feel lightheaded from not getting enough sleep and staying up a long time from early day to late night/early day again…

Those days were the Golden.

Indeed I still need recovery of my heart, mind and soul.

Just to get back in the groove to care for people like I did back in the day.

Too much time Standing-still got me rusty.

But Praise Our Heavenly Father for Life and so much more…

I have hope in all this…







Years Ago…

Everyone I’ve encountered since babyhood always said that “RC, one day you’ll affect the world. One day, You’ll be known…”

As years pass by, I really don’t feel like that’s ever going to happen…

But the thought of people who said that to me, those who are still in my life now, its truly a blessing…

I’m pretty sure some people will know my heart…

This kind of thing runs in the family, from both my (biological) father, Mommy, and Step-dad. (Complicated, but its as precise as it sounds like)

Everyone that knows my parents, knows from the get go their hearts. My mom fresh caring smile, while very humble acts of service. Step-dad’s very close friendliness and friendship ready. Last my Father’s kindness and friendship.

the more I think about it, the more I feel dramatic about it.

Because I’m nothing like them.

I always fell short from my parents and sadly it will keep continuing…

but to be honest… this doesn’t really affect my life as much as it sounds.

I am deeply proud of my parents. I still have a long way to go, so whenever I will end up as a father to my children, hopefully they’ll feel the same way how i feel about my parents but instead, they’ll be confident and stand firm as they walk through life.